My Story
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This was is so long, yet I feel the need to share where I’ve come from. I’ll add pictures as I find them and have them scanned. I hope to be able to add to it as the days, months and years go by. I hope to add things to the past as well that I can’t seem to write out at the moment. Maybe one day this will be what I leave to my children and their children. A story that shows how I overcame all of the obstacles that I faced. A story of love and how it helps overcome everything.
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My Story
I was never the skinny child, but I was never fat either. I was raised nearly as a single child because my sister is so much older that by the time I was in first grade, she was off at college. I looked up to her so much, and still do to this day although our relationship has changed a lot over the years.
When I was in 6th grade, I remember a friend of mine saying something about she was overweight and that I was too. Hmm I didn’t realize that. So of course I started looking at my developing body thinking that I really needed to do something about it and boys would NEVER like me as much as my friend that was so athletic.
Looking back, I really wasn’t overweight. I was healthy. Now I say this, because I was about 100 pounds at 13 years old, and didn’t get much over that for a few years. I started developing more and had hips and breasts. When I look at the pictures from back then, I was not fat at all. Come to find out boys were looking at me. One boy in particular, but we will get to that later.
When I was a freshman in high school I started getting attention from a few boys. Nothing unusual I don’t think. I eventually ended up “dating†for lack of a better term, Will. Will and I got along great. We went to spring break together; the prom and well it lasted quite some time. This wasn’t just some high school crush or puppy love.
Will and I were only aloud to be together if there were other adults around. I wasn’t 16 yet, and most of the time we were with my mom, his parents or an older cousin of mine. Everything we did revolve around food. We were never riding around town; we were out to eat at this restaurant or that. On Sunday’s we would go to church together and then to my Granny’s house for dinner with 35 of my closest relatives. On the odd weekend we were at his church and to his mom’s or out to eat again for lunch or/and dinner.
Needless to say, I started gaining weight. I was up to about 120. Not a lot and I didn’t bother with it. Will told me that he knew what my mom looked like now, and that I would be similar when I was older. My mom was around 160 at the time.  He knew that he’d not be in a size 29 jean for the rest of his life either, and agreed that size was not a problem. So I let it go. I wasn’t athletic as I said before, so that was that. I did nothing. To change myself, I was beautiful to him.
When I was a junior Will had graduated and moved over 300 miles away to Houston, TX. I visited Texas and he was home as many weekends as he could get off of work. When Christmas came around, I didn’t get the normal teddy bear or necklace that all of my girl friends were getting. I got a ring. Yep, it was a real diamond. That week I broke out in hives! Can you believe it!
My senior year, Will was back at home. I was so happy. We could actually date. Before that his weekends home were surrounded by his friends and family, church and whatever else was thrown into those 48 hours or less. More going out to eat, more family meals, more pounds.
By my 18th birthday I weighed 130 and was pregnant. I was ok with everything, because we were in love and were already engaged. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself. A few months later I was dismissed from school. It was a private school, and yes they had the right to do what they did. I would get my diploma, but all of the awards that I had already received that year were to be revoked. I could not attend classes, but had to do my work (TRIGONOMETRY) at home. I was not allowed to participate in any of the senior activities including the graduation ceremony. I was included in a party or two by friends, but by that time I was pretty large, and in maternity clothes. I was stressed to the max.
Will and I were having trouble; I was still living at home. My stress caused me to eat more at times, and at other times the only thing that I could make myself eat was a frozen burrito. Great nutrition for a a pregnant woman at 18, I know.
I ended up with hives again during my pregnancy. My child’s father was stressing out also, but of course he pushed me away instead of being needy like I was at the time. Needless to say I gained weight.
On July 26, 2007 I was a mother. Will had come to the hospital and I reluctantly allowed him to stay in my life from that point. We went on together, not as if nothing had ever happened, but as teenage parents.
Will’s mom was the best and the worst of MIL’s (we’ll call her exMIL from this point on). At 18 I wanted things just so and she didn’t agree with me. exMIL had Will when she was 17, and then 7 years later had her next son, then 17 months after that my child’s next uncle was born. I didn’t like that she was using the same parenting techniques that she used on her boys. I wanted things my way.
ExMIL did a lot of babysitting for me, as did my mom. I started to college when my son was 2 months old, and needed the help. I was applauded for being a mom and college student. When in reality I really wanted to finish college, but I missed my dear son so much! In January of the following year I started working for my sister part time on the days I was not in school.
I was going to school 2-4 days a week, and working the other days, having only Sunday off and only because both school and work were closed. I was eating out 6 days a week, for at least 1 meal, if not 3 some days. STRESS!
I felt guilty this whole time, and by the time my son was a year old, I weighed about 170 lbs. I was not attractive in my own eyes. I had not lost any baby weight, and had possibly gained weight, but I didn’t take the time to weigh or do anything else for my health. I was constantly sick with sinus infections and would get the limit each year of steroid shots to help with these things. I was on the pill, off the pill, trying one BC after another.
I was pregnant again. I had a 2 year old and a new baby on November 2, 1999. That last semester of school nearly did me in. I loved my children, but by this time I had told their father that I could not raise 2 children in my mom’s house that we had to move in together. 3 weeks after my son was born, we did just that.
I was thrown from having help constantly from my mom and dad at home with the boys, to being in a situation where I was on my own as a wife and mother. I was not prepared. My house was a wreck, I ate constantly. I was back down to about 185 after my son was born, but at 5’2†I was obese.
That next year I tried the Atkins diet. I lost about 20 pounds, and then I was so tired of eating bacon and cheese for breakfast every morning that I gave it up. The weight came back. I was not happy, Will was not happy and it caused so many problems that we fought until he moved into the other bedroom. I was pregnant again.
On January 5, 2002 my daughter was born. The doctor sensed the strain in my relationship and later talked to me about it.  On January 7th, I went home to my mom’s not to my own house. Will had no idea that I’d never sleep in our home again.
Over the next week we fought. We cried. I was depressed but had no idea what depression was. I hated being away from Will, but couldn’t be with him. I went back to work after 6 weeks. I was back to eating out, away from home too many hours every week and leaving my kids for someone else to tend to.
In late June, my father who I was currently living with became ill and was having tests at the hospital. He didn’t make it through the tests. He was on life support until early July 1st when we agreed to take him off. This brings tears to my eyes just thinking of how this dear sweet man would never see his grand children grow up. It was the most devastating thing that I’ve ever lived through. As I sit her just typing this much of that story, I’m in tears barely able to breathe. So you can imagine how it interrupted my life.
I was given 2 days off after his funeral by my loving boss, my sister. I was so depressed and angry even with my sister that I was barely hanging on for my kids and my mom. Living with my mom was already hard enough. After about 3 months of barely making it my mom met someone. Not someone that I cared for, but someone. I met someone also, but not the right person a fun person that made me feel sexy.
My mom moved out in November for good, and was married in February. I was then working full time and trying to make everything work at home with 3 kids 5 and under. My ex and I were constantly fighting. He had a new woman in his life and no one liked her.
Under the influence of this other woman, in late May my oldest son was not returned to me after a visit with his father, the other two children were returned. I still don’t understand everything, but in the next 4 months there were lawyers, judges, cops, DHR (child services) and anyone and anything else you can think of through my head. I had quit my job because of my BIL yelling at me, and demeaning me.
I ended up with my son at home with me, and my other children. We were all scared to death for months. I was uneasy, depressed, anxious and eventually medicated. The medication worked, but I didn’t’ continue taking it as I should have because of money.
I needed a job, so I ended up back at work with my sister. This was one of the biggest mistakes that I ever made. I was completely stressed by the job that I was given especially with the pay. My productivity level had dropped tremendously and I was working on commission.
My love life during these years was horrible. I was looking for someone to fix me. I was walked on, cheated on, pushed aside, and treated as if I was nothing. I thought I was nothing. I allowed myself to be treated this way. The whole time these men were telling me that what I wanted to hear, that my size made me who I am and that if I was skinny I wouldn’t be as pretty to them. They all liked bigger girls, so I embraced that fact.
I eventually started back to school to finish my degree in Psychology. Life was stressful enough so why not add something that I really wanted to do to the mix? I loved my classes. I loved the work that went along with the classes. I hated my job and resented most of the people in authority over me. (That’s a whole story in itself) I eventually was reprimanded by my BIL in his most loving way (over the phone yelling at me and cussing at me and threatened).
This time when I left my job, I had no income at all. My unemployment was denied, yet a few weeks before my departure I had met and old friend. This old friend and I ended up together for about a year. I was in love.  I was head over heels in love.  I really had it bad, bad enough to block out all of the things that I shouldn’t have. You know how things are, you over look things when you are in love. And yes, I should have overlooked some bad things, but these things were not to be looked over. By the time we split up I was at 235 lbs. yeah that’s a lot! I ended up so depressed and anxious that my house was a wreck and I started therapy and medication.
I lost 20 lbs in a month from depression. I know that there were days I ate nothing at all and never felt it. I forced myself to eat other days. I didn’t want to live, yet I could not stop thinking of my children. My children were the only things that kept me hanging on. Then one day I caught up with an old friend who was going through a lot of the same things, although he turned to exercise. He was a great outlet when I needed a shoulder to cry on and still is.
I finally gave up on men all together. I thought that men were my biggest downfall and I could do so much better without them. One family friend told me that I could do bad all by myself, the months before my last bf and I broke up. I came to realize how much better off I was without anyone else to add stress to my life.
I was happy. I was single. I was just about to move on with my life at 215 pounds. I knew that if I had my life, my children, and my house in order that the weight would fall off eventually. So I took a semester off of school and just trudged through. I got involved in a few things, mostly online. (I must say that I have a great network of friends online that helped me through nearly every stage of my adult life and I greatly appreciate them and all that they’ve done for me).
One day it hit me. I was bitten by love again. I knew it as soon as I got the first message, but I kept denying it. I met Scott for ice cream about 4 days after we had chatted online. Come to find out all of those years back when I was about 13, he had broken his arm while staring at me as I walked out of the door at church. Hmmm…There he was someone that I already knew, if not that well. We became friends first through our courtship. We waited to introduce our kids to one another. We did things by the book, almost. You can’t imagine our relief when there were NO fights, NO whining, NO anything bad on a weekend camping trip with all 5 of our kids sleeping in the same tent. Yes, Scott and I did sleep in the same tent. No it didn’t happen. We waited until it was right.
In November of 2009, we were engaged. No ring, just a decision we made; shortly thereafter we planned our wedding for March 20, 2010. I’m still fat, I weigh 215 lbs. I’m due to wear a white dress in less than 2 months. I don’t know if it will happen yet, but I hope to weigh 205 or less on that day, with much more shapely arms.
Right now this is my story. This is the short version if you can believe it! My pain and my happiness lies in these words. I hope it gives you an insight to who I am and why I am that person. I hope that it gives me strength to overcome my past and lose this weight for me and my story.
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